Saya cuma ingin kamu membaca kutipan dari buku Takuboku Ishikawa. Saya mencomotnya dari halaman 84-85 buku berjudul Romaji Diary and Sad Toys itu. Saya menyuntingnya sedikit. Saya mengganti beberapa kata ganti. Saya mengganti ‘her’ menjadi ‘you’. Takuboku Ishikawa menulis catatan harian itu pada suatu malam lebih 100 tahun lalu. 15 April 1911, tepatnya.
Saya merasa, catatan Takuboku Ishikawa tentang istrinya, Setsuko, malam itu mewakili apa yang selama ini, dan utamanya malam ini, ingin saya katakan kepada kamu. Maka, bacalah.
My love for you has sobered. That’s a fact, a deplorable but inevitable fact.
But love is not all one’s life. It’s part of it. Love is a pastime. It’s like singing. There are times when every person, no matter who, wants to sing. And while he’s singing, he’s happy. But man cannot merely keep singing his entire life. And if he continues to sing the same song, he’ll get fed up with it, no matter how pleasant the tune. Moreover, there are times when he can’t sing no matter how much he wants to.
My love has cooled. I have stopped singing that once delightful song. But the song itself does remain a delight. It must be so forever.
It’s true that i have grown weary of singing only that song. But that does not mean i have developed a dislike for it. You are really a good girl. Where in the world is there another like you, good, gentle, steady? I could never think of having a better girlfriend than you. Yes, i have longed for other girls beside you. And there have been times when i wanted to sleep with other girls. As a matter of fact, i sometimes thought about sleeping with other girls while i was sleeping with you. And i have—i have slept with other women. But what does that have to do with you? It doesn’t mean i was satisfied with you. It merely means that man’s desires are not simple. I love you now just as much i did in the past. The person i have loved most has been, after all, you, though you have not been the only one i have loved. Even now—especially of late—i have frequently longed for you.
Selebihnya, tidak ada lagi yang ingin saya katakan di surat ini selain doa. Semoga sehatlah kamu selalu.
P.S. Saya membeli buku Takuboku Ishikawa, Romaji Diary and Sad Toys, di Bandara Internasional Soekarno-Hatta, sesaat setelah kamu pulang mengantar saya. Ya, itu pertemuan terakhir kita. Selama dua jam, di pesawat, saya memilih membaca 194 tangkai tanka terlebih dahulu, meski letaknya berada di bagian akhir buku itu. Saya selalu membayangkan kita sebagai novel tragedi yang saya baca dari bagian akhir hingga ke halaman pertama.